Zombie nightmares: Dawn of the egg whisk

Get back. I have an egg whisk

We’ve suffered ants, wasps and the occasional earwig, but now there’s a new infestation troubling the Ord household … zombies.

You’ll appreciate what a pain the living dead can be: Shambling about in their tatty clothing, moaning loudly and leaving the occasional decomposing limb in the airing cupboard.

And that’s not to mention their annoying habit of tearing your eyes from their sockets and feasting on your flesh.

Unlike wasps and ants, there’s no spray or powder on the market to deal with these godless creatures. A liberal dose of Ghoul Pellets in the garden would be great, but you can’t get them for love nor money.

Decapitation is the only answer. Shotgun, axe or aggressively applied egg whisk, it matters not a jot as long as you disconnect zombie brain from zombie spinal chord.

Ever prepared for an apocalyptic future, I have investigated fully the latest zombie sighting in our house and have so far turned up … nothing.
I’m beginning to doubt the claims of our five-year-old.