Wayne Rooney’s wet tackle

Speak up Wayne. A cow's what?

It’s cheap, clear, plentiful, has no offensive taste, and is good for you … is it any wonder you can’t get kids to drink water.

Water to our six-year-old is the liquid equivalent of the sprout. He will drink it only under threat.

Unless it’s fizzing, purple, packed with enamel eroding sugar and poured from a bottle that looks like a bloated ray gun he doesn’t want to know.

Water sounds, and looks, dull. Where’s the polar bear in sunglasses? Why no fizz? And if it doesn’t clean my 2p pieces – it can’t be any good, can it?

He doesn’t buy the health benefits. And who can blame him? They’re being sold to him by a decrepit old fool with buck teeth and hollow cheeks (that’s me by the way, not the wife).

I know where he’s coming from. Eat Yourself Sexy is a new show on TV. It aims to show how you can transform yourself from a loveless fat oaf into a sex god/goddess in just eight week. Sounds good. It’s hosted by Gillian McKeith. Pass the sick bag.